Saturday, July 01, 2006
sometimes i just feel so alone.
like nobody gives a fuck.
maybe at times i feel that some people care.
but when i'm at my worst,
where are they?
maybe it's karma.
maybe it's cos i dont care if ppl are down.
but am i to do?
i cant possibly comfort someone when i noe i will make things worse for them rite?
sometimes i wonder if me living is even important.
my life is a screw up.
am i even worth being alive?
sometimes death seems like the answer to all these.
but why would i wanna kill myself?
it's a sin anyway.
and i'm afraid of death.
so what if i die?
is it worth it?
hell no.
you know..
people say that cutting myself is a stupid thing to do..
but that's the only thing that comfort me the most.
i can turn to frenz...
but not all of them understand what i'm going thru.
i cant turn to my mum cos she's a different person now.
i wonder if she even know that she have a family that needs her?
that i'm her daughter and she's the mum?
but why izzit that i'm taking over her role as a mother to my bro?
why izzit that i am the one looking after the family?
why izzit that i'm the one doing the housework?
why cant i be like other teens where they do not have to do all these?
where they are still the child.
i can not do all those.
but my parents will argue more.
i dont like living like this.
i dont like a house where i cant call a home.
i wanna live a life where i dont have these kind of responsibility.
i want friends where i can really depend on them.
but the prob is that i dont have that kinda frenz.
where i can trust them with my life.
i envy those people who have.
sometimes i think life made me mature too fast.
is it a good thing?
i am immature and childish in front of a lot of ppl.
you can judge me.
but do you really know me?
i put on a fake front.
i am not who i may seem.
everyone has another side of them.
so do i.
do you know that i'm not as happy as i seem?
do you know that sometimes i just wanna hurt myself so much?
do you know????
i am insecure. really am.
i dont trust myself at all.
i doubt myself all the time.
growing up is difficult.
so what if i have more freedom then some ppl?
but what can i do with it?
sometimes i envy others.
they can afford all the brands and whathaveyou.
they can say it's $50 ONLY.
i cant spend $50 on brands like them.
the only branded stuff i have is my converse shoe i think.
and that is SO 'branded'.
my dad aint as rich as theirs.
he's pay is less than 2000 bucks please.
they can say MY ROOM.
i dont even have one.
let alone a room to share.
i stay in a 2-room flat.
i sleep in the living room.
i sleep on a mattress, not a bed.
my toilet bowl is a squat one.
i dare not say i'm poor.
cos i am not.
there are people who dont even have money to eat.
what am i complaining about?
i have all the basic needs.
i should be thankful instead.
i really hate myself.
stories of my life. 10:02 PM;
